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The Spirituality of Dying
Reinie Heydemann
Sermon, January 29th 2006
Is death and dying a scary topic to deal with in the middle of life when we have so much to deal with that seems to be more of a priority to worry about?
Of course I agree with that statement - partly, but not totally.
Why? Here is a story: when I was directing summer camp at Pigeon Lake during my university study summer breaks, among many other activities, I took the children to a grave yard and asked them to look around, read the inscriptions on the grave stones and then come back and sit under a tree with me; and then we talked. A few of the children, ages 10 to 12 changed the subject quickly and told us how angry they were because they were not taken to the funeral of their grandparents, or they were told by their parents that their pet had run away, but in their heart they knew that that was a lie, their dog had died. Their tears expressed grief and anger.
Why were they treated like that? Of course the parents meant well in those days, they wanted to protect their children from the pain of death. But did they really do their children a favor?
My mom on the contrary handled it differently. When my dear aunt died, she was put up in her room in the house where we lived, which is a natural thing to do in Europe. My mom took me upstairs, and I saw her body resting peacefully. I was not scared at all, as a matter of fact, I went into the garden, picked a few flowers and came back all by myself and honored my aunt with the flowers she had grown. She was a gardener. I was 12 years old at the time, and I think my mom had gently prepared me for the many experiences I had with death and dying as a widow and a chaplain.
We had a request from a member of Westwood to do a service that deals with the question "How do people make spiritual meaning of their impending death? Do people without formal creeds see death differently than those who are devout? Do the devout sustain their faith and beliefs as they approach death? What stories do people tell you? Does a spiritual peace descend on people in the final stages that deals with the spirituality and dying, as Kübler Ross wrote about 40 years ago?
One simple answer to those questions is 'yes' and 'no'. In my experience with the dying I observed that it totally varies from person to person. As a chaplain I once was asked by the family, after I came out of their mother's hospital room in palliative care "has she made peace with God?" I was totally puzzled by that question. In my conversation with the mother we never mentioned God, as a matter of fact, she told me how excited she was that she is going to be a grandma soon, and she hopes to be around when that will happen. This shows that the family had a different agenda then their dying mother, which is not unusual. Her spiritual excitement was to hold her grandchild before she dies.
Some people die as devout believers, they find strength and comfort receiving the Last Rights, or Communion, others refuse it, even as Christians, I have been witness to both.
One of the problems as I see it is, that Christianity has created so much fear of going to hell, if humans do not believe in God, are not baptized, and don't go to church. That is one way of the church, as an institution, of having power over people. It is a bit scary, I think. I have been witness to some Christians who are afraid to die, because they perceive themselves as not being good enough to be accepted by their God. Something similar is also happening with the concept of spirituality. According to the Christian Church only believers are spiritual people. Unitarians have a different understanding of spirituality.
But first lets take a look at what spirituality is about for the dying. In my experience, and I know many who work in Palliative Care agree with me, dying can be a holy and sacred event. We need to learn that, and let it happen.
We realize that death is beyond our reach, beyond research and technology, with death our intellect has to declare defeat, which is very uncomfortable for human beings, since we put so much energy and trust into our accomplishments, our science, our knowledge. Death is also the moment when we give up all control. I like to think of it as the last orgasm.
Dying is the journey towards death, a preparation for that ineffable moment when the last breath marks the beginning of the silence. Dying, if it is experienced with honesty, with hope, dignity and respect can become a powerful spiritual journey for both, the dying and those who have to say good-bye. Numerous anecdotes give witness to that. Not only is this true of the elderly, but also the younger generation, including children. Death is often anticipated with a sense of liberation, with a sense of end-of-life celebration, and that is part of what I like to call the Spirituality of Dying.
Spirituality is that component of the human person that asks questions about the meaning of life according to one's own unique experience, and that tends to become more important as persons think about and face their death. That means a lot of spiritual work needs to be done deliberately before the individual can die in peace. In preparation it is important that all health professionals are open, as much as possible, to telling the truth about the diagnosis to avoid painful guess work. When my husband, who was on kidney home dialysis in 1972, when we were living in Westlock, was not well, I phoned the Kidney Specialist in Edmonton, who had given us his home phone number. At the end of our conversation, he said "Reinie, we are at a loss too, but if you want to come tomorrow, w'll talk more about it." Here was a doctor I could trust, he prepared both of us to face my husband's eventual death, gently. I am very grateful to him.
So I think one important start is to deal with the reality of death, and not play games. We need to listen to the dying person and be sensitive to the fact it is important for him or her to be heard. The listener tends to brush over the comments with "oh, come on, you are going to be ok." In other words, "I don't want to talk about it". I am not saying that it is easy, it is painful to think and talk about losing a loved one, but when we can cry together, we bless each other with a spiritual gift, one my late husband and I shared, which is a special memory for me now.
Spirituality is the life force springing from within us all that pervade our entire being, it includes the emotional, the ethical, the social, the intellectual and the physical dimensions, which gives meaning, purpose, and direction to life.
"Spirituality is a lot like health, but it's something we can't avoid having. The same is true of spirituality: every human being is a spiritual being. The question is not whether we 'have spirituality', but whether the spirituality is a negative one that leads to isolation and self-destruction, or one that is more positive and life giving. " (Dollars, Jerome)
Spirituality is the life force which informs us about:
Our identity - who we are
Our place - where we belong
Our purpose - why are we
Our values - what is important to us.
Spirituality is the life force which awakens us and inspires us
To be creative and responsible
To build mutual beneficial relationships
To cope with change and loss courageously
To invest in the good of all.
Does this sound like our Unitarian Principles?
Spirituality is the life force which awakens us
To wonder
To community
To trust
To hope
To healing
The overall spiritual goal is that the dying person comes to a more peaceful and centered relationship with self, family, friends and the Universal Spirit, what ever it is, named or not.
So what are the components of Spirituality in the context of dying?
Hope, hope beyond cure, which is identified by those who do Hospice Care with the dying with these words:
Interpersonal Connectedness, some one who shares my journey and walks with me
The feeling that the person is truly present with me
The touch or hug that communicates "I am with you!"
A willingness to listen, to validate what I feel
To not impose religious talk or prayer that I do not value
Remembering:
Share stories from the past that give messages like "I count, I have made a difference, life has been worthwhile." (Sharing an anecdote)
Reconciliation:
It is also important to bring up the shadow side of life, as uncomfortable as that may be, but it is important for the dying person to reconcile or be reconciled.
Grieving:
Give the dying the opportunity to grieve his or her parting. We tend to forget that the dying person too grieves the loss of his/her life, not just those who are left behind.
Celebrating:
Some people like to say good bye to their loved ones and their life by having a party.
When I spoke with two of our home bound members about death and dying our conversation became very meaningful as they shared with me their meaning of life and death. One lady, 97 years old said that she believes death becomes a transition, a door opens for living another way of life, to learn more, and perhaps meet loved ones. That's why she likes to think of death as being fun and she hopes that her family will have a party.
Another woman, about 45 years old, who is very intelligent but lives in a difficult handicapped situation said, "When I die everything that I learned is not lost, it becomes part of the Great Spirit, and the next body that is born is a little bit ahead."
We cannot answer the question in regards to what is happening after we leave the earth, we can only live the question and perhaps be ready for surprises. For now we need to learn how death can be a peaceful transition for our loved ones and for ourselves.
So I invite you to sit back, close your eyes, and listen to Anne Mortifee's voice and words: "Come with me, be not afraid".
We believe that everyone has the right to seek truth and meaning for themselves. The fundamental tools for doing this are your own life experience, your reflection upon it, your intuitive understanding and the promptings of your own conscience.